Growing Pains

I have been spending a lot of time trying to "live in the moment" by slowing things down a little, trying not to conquer the world on a Saturday morning, letting Handsome call more of the shots, and just allowing myself to enjoy all that I do have.

Having this child smile and kick her legs crazily when she sees you first thing in the morning pretty much clears whatever schedule I thought I had, and pajama party morning ensues. And I am totally okay with that. If the Bean wants to spend the morning talking to her Whale Toy Boyfriend, I am not going to miss out on that.

This change in me has come on slowly, steadily, and somewhere along this journey, I started to grow up - mainly because I didn't have a choice, really, but the transition occurred regardless. I still have my crazier than a bedbug moments and an occasional beer(s) at lunch with friends, but the difference is that I can temper that side more often than not. Hell, the difference is that I don't really want to be anywhere else but with my little family, and I don't want anything to compromise that (alcohol, etc). Having that control has given me a new lease on all areas of my life.

Funny though, I don't know why I am surprised at the occasional line that becomes more pronounced with time, or surprised by the total exhaustion that hits me at around 3PM everyday - I spent the majority of my twenties drinking and smoking and partying and pushing all my limits. Evidence of my youthful choices and experiences seem to have scarred me both physically and emotionally, and my recovery is a constant work in progress.

And now I am 29. Funny how 30 ain't really looking all that bad from this angle.
5 years ago, this undeniable progression scared me.
5 years ago, I was an invincible superhero.
5 years ago, my life was out of control and scary.

Last night I took an inventory of what is happening in my world: I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing husband, a new house and a mighty mortgage, my little brother got married, my relationship with my family is finally starting to gel, and my hair is turning gray too fast for me to keep up with it. I see laugh lines when I look in the mirror, I see a woman starting back at me. And I think - how the hell did this happen to ME?

But then I sort of like it.

I am proud that I made it this far. I like who I am becoming, I love being a mother and a wife and my job and my new set of goals. I still fucking rock, at times, which is just enough now.

Weird to admit, but damn, life is good. We may not always have enough money to get through the two-week pay period, and Ramen CAN be good for a few meals, but LIFE IS GOOD.

And check out that beautiful bean footage above.